


i will hold you in the depths of your despair. (there's joy not far from here.)

by courage_of_stars



Series: in the darkness, would you call in the name of love? [2]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Video Blogging RPF, Watcher Entertainment, Watcher Entertainment RPF
Genre: (Abuse + gaslighting + dubcon + kink shaming + slut shaming NOT between Ryan and Shane), Aftercare, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Body Worship, Cuddling & Snuggling, Developing Relationship, Dirty Talk, Dubious Consent, Emotional Sex, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, First Time, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gaslighting, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Light BDSM, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Nightmares, Past Abuse, Past kink shaming, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Romance, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, kitten play, past slut shaming, primal play
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:20:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23165389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/courage_of_stars/pseuds/courage_of_stars
Summary: "I want this. You. Us."---(In which Ryan and Shane have their first time together. Sequel toit's not your fault.)
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej
Series: in the darkness, would you call in the name of love? [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1655962
Comments: 18
Kudos: 190





	i will hold you in the depths of your despair. (there's joy not far from here.)

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: explicit NSFW, past abuse, gaslighting, night terrors, nightmares, past dubcon, past kink shaming, past slut shaming, past self-harm, past disassociation, trauma, mental health

Upbeat, yet jarringly loud 8-bit notes disrupt the silence. With eyes still closed, Shane attempts to turn off Ryan's phone alarm. But Shane's pinned in place by strong arms tightening around him. Eyes clouded with drowsiness blink open slowly. Shane looks down at the hands curling into his shirt. A glance over his shoulder shows a soft mess of dark hair. In his half-asleep state, it takes Shane a few moments to realize that Ryan's spooning him. Every so often, Ryan nuzzles against Shane's back, and lets out a soft sigh of content. When Shane leans into the embrace, Ryan holds onto him even tighter.

Fuck.

He's so cute. 

"Mmm..." Shirt fabric muffles Ryan's voice. "Warm." Sleepy syllables blur into a nearly incoherent mess. Ryan throws a leg over Shane to lock him more in place. "Don't go."

Even when sleep roughens Shane's voice, endearment still carries through the chuckle. "Not going anywhere," he reassures while caressing Ryan's arm. "Right here with you." Calloused fingers draw lines and curves to compose invisible words. Some lyrics. Some quotes. Fingers run over Ryan's shoulder blades to draw constellations from memory. "Kinda early to be listening to the Pokemon theme song at this hour. Even if it's fucking rad."

"Mmm-- it sure is." Rather than letting Shane out of his arms, Ryan reaches over him, and taps on the phone. The alarm cuts off. With a huff of laughter, Ryan collapses over Shane. Half-mast eyes shine with endless warmth. "We should sleep more with the cameras off. 'cause we get to do this." Ryan nuzzles into Shane's neck and shoulder.

"Oh, yeah?" Shane's fingers thread through silky, dark strands. It's that time of year when Ryan's hair has grown out longer. Shane always admired it from afar. But now, he can freely play with the soft locks. "Just so we can cuddle?

"Mmhm." Ryan burrows more into the warm embrace. "And so we can do this." He kisses Shane's cheek. "And this." Another kiss to Shane's forehead. "And this-- and this-- and this--" Soft wheezes of delight interrupt the kisses. Even if Ryan's hardly awake, it doesn't stop him from doting on Shane. Light butterfly kisses spread wherever his lips reach.

Shane's rich, warm laughter fills the hotel room. That pure sound only spurs Ryan to give more affection. His lips brush over Shane's collar bone while fingers caress down his side. Cold water from an ocean known as depression and anxiety drain out of Shane's lungs. Slowly, he's remembering what it's like to breathe without each inhale burning.

As Ryan rests his head on Shane's chest, his eyes fall close. Dark bangs cascade over his face. The morning sun has yet to break over the horizon. Everything washes in pale, almost surreal blue. Soft azure paints over Ryan, catching at the highlights of his hair. Shane's eyes trace over every edge and curve of his contour. This is all Shane could ever want-- for Ryan to be safe, happy and loved.

It appears as if Ryan's dozed off again. But the silence ripples as Ryan murmurs, "This is one of my favorite sounds."

"What is?" Shane brushes away stray strands from Ryan's face.

As Ryan looks up, warmth softens his gaze. "The sound of your heartbeat."

The open vulnerability stuns Shane into silence. His fingers twitch with the desperate desire to find pen and paper, or reach for his phone. Just so he can jot down those words. Maybe even write them across his palm lines.

But Shane doesn't want to break the embrace. He holds onto Ryan tighter while committing those words to memory. In his past relationship, Shane wasn't cared for in such a way. Anything close to faux adoration eventually revealed ulterior intentions. To his ex-boyfriend, Shane was a neverending work-in-progress to fix. Every flaw and shortcoming were magnified until _never being enough_ defined him.

When Shane's with Ryan, there's no invisible guillotine hovering above. Only a sense of safety that Shane hasn't felt in so long.

But does Shane deserve all of this?

This kindness, this goodness, this love?

The fractured look in Shane's eyes reflect swelling melancholy. But Ryan halts the man's spiraling with a soft press of their lips. The kiss reels Shane back into the present. Shane returns the kiss with fingers curling in Ryan's hair. Their lips meld together to quell any rising storms. 

"Shane, I'm with you," Ryan murmurs gently. The back of his fingers caress the side of Shane's face. They trail down Shane's neck until feeling for his pulse. "Always."

"Same." With a soft exhale, Shane leans into Ryan's touch. "Thanks, Ry." Shane presses a kiss to each finger, then catches Ryan's mouth into another kiss.

After the kiss breaks, Ryan resumes his aggressive nuzzling. It's not long until Shane's laughing out of uncontrollable fondness. His lips press against Ryan's soft mess of dark hair.

"Can't believe I've been missing out on all of this cuteness," Shane remarks with a grin. "You're like a cat."

"I'll take that as a compliment." After a peck to Shane's cheek, Ryan sits up. He checks the time on his phone. "We should get ready to leave. Y'know--" Ryan tousles his own hair, not caring that it's made into even more of a mess. "Before the team thinks that ghosts got to us."

"Ghosts? What ghosts?" Shane quirks a brow. It's never too early to dish out his usual brand of skepticism. Shane goes the whole nine yards by making a show of looking around the room. It's followed by an over-exaggerated gasp of astonishment. "Gosh darn! Can't see anyone else. Only you and me in here, man." At Ryan's scowl, Shane just smirks back. "If there were ghosts, they would've fucked around with us." 

"Hey, maybe the ghosts liked seeing us cuddle," Ryan counters while getting out of bed. He gestures with a sleeve paw. "That's why they didn't disturb us. We were just being too damned cute."

With a chuckle, Shane throws back the sheets, and stands up. "So, if a few so-called ghosts follow us to my place, we'll be safe as long as we cuddle?"

Ryan hesitates, then looks over his shoulder. "I can still come over?" A note of uncertainty rings through Ryan's voice. He doesn't know if Shane might've changed his mind overnight. And yet hope flickers in Ryan's searching eyes.

Shane closes the space between them with a hand on the younger man's waist. "Hell yeah." He kisses Ryan's forehead, then casts his signature grin. "Come home with me."

The answer lights up Ryan's face. As Ryan wraps his arms around Shane's shoulders, they lean in for another kiss.

* * *

Whenever they take flights for investigations, Ryan and Shane switch seats to and from home. This time on the return trip, Shane takes the window seat. It's an absurdly early flight. There's still not even a glimpse of the sun beyond the glass. Lights remain turned off inside the plane. Almost everyone's asleep by the time the plane's in flight.

With quiet surprise, Shane blinks as Ryan lifts the arm rest between them. Ryan leans his head on Shane's shoulder, hugs the man's arm, and clasps their hands together.

"Is this okay?" Ryan whispers while looking up. What if he's moving too fast? What if he's being too clingy? Oh, god, he should've asked beforehand if Shane's okay with public displays of affection. What if--

"More than okay." Shane tilts Ryan's face up for a light kiss. His lips curve into a smile towards the end. "Love it, actually," he murmurs. Shane's thumb brushes over Ryan's cheek bone. "I appreciate you taking the initiative. Helps me know you're okay with this too." 

The reciprocated affection and affirmation melts Ryan. He sneaks in another kiss against Shane's lips, then another on his cheek. It's not long until Ryan drifts off to sleep. Ryan has an uncanny talent of falling asleep anywhere any time (except in 99.9% of 'haunted' locations.) Rarely does Shane fall asleep during flights. But the sense of safety created by Ryan gives off a soporific effect. While holding onto Ryan's hand, Shane's eyes fall shut. Darkness sweeps over.

> "Why are you wearing this?" Noah roughly tugs on the black and red sleeve.
> 
> With hesitation, Shane stares at his flannel caught in Noah's hand. Is this a trick question? What's the right answer? Or is that question meant to be taken rhetorically? A million potential answers formulate in Shane's mind. The man decides to go for honesty. "I...I like it...?" His voice pitches a little towards the end. The inflection of doubt is nothing like the confident persona he shows in public.
> 
> "You bought this yourself, right?"
> 
> Poison-laced thorns grow inside Shane's lungs. Sharp points puncture at his insides until it's impossible to breathe without pain. As the conversation mutates into an interrogation, Shane's veins flare with relentless anxiety.
> 
> "Yeah, I did-"
> 
> " _I bought_ you new clothes, so you'd _wear_ them. Do you _not_ like them? Because I remember you _saying_ that you _liked_ everything. Were you just _pretending?_ " Sheer incredulity cuts through every emphasized word. "You know I don't like wasting money for no good reason. What's going on? Do you not love me anymore? Or are you just not interested? Because honestly, Shane--" Noah heaves a frustrated sigh. The excruciatingly slow exhale is unsettling as nails on a chalkboard. He still hasn't let go of Shane's sleeve. "I feel under-appreciated when I'm just trying to help you dress like a decent, presentable human being. It's like _I'm_ the only person putting effort into our relationship. If you don't like what I'm putting my hard-earned money into, or god _damnit--_ " Harshly, Noah releases the flannel. "If you don't even like _this relationship,_ or being with _me,_ then just fucking say it."
> 
> Shane can't breathe. Once Noah starts talking, it escalates into a bulldozer effect. There's never room for any voice except Noah's. Every rib bone tightens to nearly rupture Shane's lungs. Nothing hurts Shane like being such a terrible boyfriend that his partner doubts being loved and appreciated.
> 
> "I--" Shane's voice gets trapped in his throat. "All of my other long sleeves are in the laundry. And-..." The man obsessively studies the black and red pattern. It's safer than daring to look Noah in the eye, and risk upsetting him even more. "I...I _like_ this shirt. A lot." Shane makes the mistake of curling his fingers in, and subconsciously tugging the fabric down more.
> 
> With the rapid speed of a striking viper, Noah pulls back the sleeve.
> 
> Terror paralyzes Shane. 
> 
> Ugly, jagged marks ranging from bright scarlet to deep rouge run over Shane's arm. A few crescent moons in similar shades accompany the clawed lines. When the light hits Shane's skin at an angle, phantom scars can be seen.
> 
> Deafening silence reigns in the living room. Noah draws the sleeve down, since he can't stand to see the injuries. The man stands up to pace the room. Every time Noah walks in the direction of the front door, Shane's heart lurches. What if Noah walks out? Disappears for the night? What if he doesn't come back?
> 
> Each time Noah turns his back to the door, Shane's ribcage rattles. And when Noah walks towards the door, Shane's chest tightens even more. It grows harder to breathe as Noah paces. From his hand running through his hair to pressing the bridge of his nose-- Shane catalogues every sign of distress from his partner. The guilt in Shane's stomach turns into a dead lead weight. While Shane remains frozen on the sofa, scratches burn under his sleeves.
> 
> "I don't understand, Shane." Syllables crack from the tremendous exhaustion in Noah's voice. His face strickens with agony. In a strained whisper, Noah asks, "Why would _you hurt me_ like this?" Without giving Shane a chance to answer, the man vehemently turns towards him. "You fucking promised that you weren't going to pull this kind of shit anymore! You said you were going to be clean! _How could you fucking lie to me?!_ "
> 
> Darkness creeps into the edges of Shane's eyes. Tunnel vision reflects the brink of a panic attack. Shane's caught in a 24/7 lose-lose situation with the rules always changing. It's always been a rigged game from the start. But Shane can't break down. Not when his anxiety upsets and hurts his boyfriend. "I- I-- I'm sorry-"
> 
> " _ **Saying sorry isn't good enough.**_ Not when you keep _fucking up_ the same way over and over. Jesus Christ." An ugly laugh on the edge of hysteria breaks through. "How can you work through quantum physics -- the most _basic_ stuff, of course, you wouldn't get the advanced material --" Noah waves his hand flippantly. "But you can't understand a concept simple as not ruining your own body? It's like you _stopped_ _trying_ to be at your best for me. Just because we've been together for years doesn't mean you can get complacent. You're _a grown adult,_ Shane. You should've grown out of bad habits like _that._ " He jabs a finger in the direction of Shane's arm.
> 
> Just when Noah's about to continue his tirade, a thought crosses his mind. The man laughs again in disbelief. "Oh, god-- is _this_ why we haven't fucked in weeks?"
> 
> Shane keeps his gaze downcast. One hand grips the edge of the sofa in an attempt to anchor himself. Yet he's unraveling at the seams. Not only does guilt amplify, but so does acidic shame. "I-- I didn't-" Shane struggles to find his voice. It's always pulled out of reach during their one-sided debates. "I didn't want to-- to _disappoint_ you by- having to see this-"
> 
> "Too late. You already disappointed me," Noah cuts in matter-of-factly. "And you _knew_ that was going to happen. But you broke your promise, _fucking relapsed,_ and lied anyways. You're intentionally trying to sabotage what we have. When did you get so selfish, Shane?" Tears of betrayal burn at the edges of his eyes. Shaking his head, Noah looks towards the front door. " _I trusted you._ " After a ragged breath, Noah confesses, "You're making it really hard to love you, Shane."
> 
> It's not rage or resentment in the man's voice. But heartbreak. When Noah takes a step towards the door, Shane finally gets up, and steps in front of him.
> 
> "I'll do better," Shane swears breathlessly. He fights the tremors of rising anxiety. "Please. I promise."
> 
> Noah stares hard. He looks past Shane for the door, then sets his gaze back on the man. After a moment, Noah asks, "How are you going to make it up to me?"
> 
> Shane's barely able to see through held back tears. "You can decide."
> 
> "Finally, you get something right." 
> 
> Noah grabs the front of Shane's shirt, then tears the flannel apart. Black buttons ricochet in every direction. Tears waver in Shane's empty gaze while listening to each button strike a hard surface. Something inside of Shane collapses to leave him hollow, ravaged, empty. Noah roughly pulls off the flannel, then throws the black and red fabric out of sight. Even if Shane's still dressed in a white t-shirt and dark jeans, he's never felt more exposed and bare.
> 
> Noah reaches for Shane's hand. "You need to start doing better, angel. I know you can. I believe in you." His voice softens into an illusion of kindness. But to Shane's ears, it's genuine. Each word carries promise of a better future. "Give me a reason to stay. We can be _so perfect_ together." The back of Noah's hand touches the side of his face. "And never forget this, Shane--" His hand trails down until grasping Shane's scratched and scarred arm.
> 
> "Nobody will love you like I do."
> 
> The grasp tightens. Blunt nails dig into Shane's skin. But Shane doesn't fight.
> 
> He deserves this.
> 
> As Noah drags him into the bedroom, Shane becomes less than a ghost. He leaves his body. Sharp flickers grow into a wildfire that flares up his arm, engulfing his body whole--

Shane jolts awake. His breathing escapes in a broken rhythm. Internal organs violently quake like time-ticking explosives. The low, rumbling hum of the aircraft gradually floods in. Everything's still relatively dark and silent. All other passengers remain asleep.

Except for Ryan who holds onto Shane's hand, and kisses the side of his face. Slowly, Shane realizes that Ryan's been murmuring words of comfort.

"--ou're safe, Shane. I've got you. Nothing and no one will hurt you. I promise."

It's the first time relief trickles in after a nightmare. No. Not a nightmare. _A memory._ Shane closes his eyes tightly to fight tears. The harsh reminder of how he's _still_ fucking haunted burns. Aren't you supposed to grow stronger as you grow older? How much longer will trauma keep its vice grip on him? Shame overwhelms the man as if he's wading through an ocean of kerosene. Any second, a lit match might fall. Exhaling shakily, Shane buries his face into Ryan's neck and shoulder. 

"I'm sorry."

"You did nothing wrong, Shane," whispers Ryan with a kiss to his head.

Noah used to sharpened Shane's name into a weapon to use against him. But Ryan says Shane's name like it's the most precious string of syllables.

As their fingers lace together, Ryan kisses Shane's knuckles. "You don't have to apologize."

"I..." Shane's voice trails off from nearly apologizing again. After taking a second, Shane murmurs, "Thanks, Ry."

Silence ripples around them. Shane tries to endure the raging storms in his mind. He matches his breathing to Ryan's steady inhales and exhales. After such a visceral recollection, Shane feels repulsively exposed and raw. His body's caught in a loop of being violated by phantom hands.

But here's the thing-- Shane doesn't fucking want fear to pull him away from Ryan. Trauma has already taken so much. Will it take Ryan away too? _'Not him,'_ Shane silently pleads while tightly holding onto Ryan's hand. _'Not this man. Please.'_

Shane's heart seizes at a terrifying thought: what if he only makes Ryan's life harder? Ryan deserves the best. But maybe Shane's too broken to be loved. He doesn't want his own cursed baggage to fuck up Ryan too. 

In a whisper, Shane asks, "Do you still want this, Ryan? Do you still want...me?"

His ex taught Shane that insecurity isn't attractive. But Shane can't hold back on being vulnerable right now. He's not intentionally trying to ruin this beautiful thing that's growing between Ryan and himself. And yet, Shane doesn't want Ryan to feel obliged. He feels it's only right to be upfront about what a mess he is. 

"I..." Shane pushes back his brown bangs. "There's going to be more of this. It's not your responsibility to deal with my issues. I- I should already be over this, _fuck-_ And- that's not fair to you--...I swear, I've been trying to fix myself- I just..." Shane's voice trails off. He laughs quietly to cover up a faint sob. "I care about you so damned much, Ry. I want to make you happy. Not fucking burden you. I'm sorry for not being better-"

"Shane." Ryan turns his head, so their eyes meet. "I care about you, too. So fucking much. And you've always been more than enough. You are _never_ a burden." Their foreheads rest together. "If you ever look back on our videos, you'll see how I've been falling for you all this time. And dude--" Ryan's smile reaches his eyes. "You make me so freaking happy. It's because of you that I laugh so much."

Softly, Ryan kisses the corner of Shane's lips. "You have every right to heal at your own pace. You've been through Hell I can't even imagine-- _but you're not broken._ You're _strong,_ even when you may not feel like it." He holds Shane's face in his hands. "I'm going to be right by your side through all of it. I'm _choosing_ to be with you, because I _want_ to. Any time you have doubts, talk to me. I'll listen."

After searching Ryan's eyes, Shane sees that he's not mad. Or even mildly agitated. Shane breathes in slowly before leaning in for a kiss. "Thank you," he whispers with traces of tears in his eyes. Shane laughs softly. "What did I do to deserve you?"

"Want me to answer that in a video compilation?" Ryan grins boyishly. "I'll piece together some clips where I'm smitten as Hell over you. Add sentimental quotes. Throw an indie acoustic track in the background-- oh!" Ryan's eyes light up in excitement. "How about Hans Zimmer? 'cause I know that my babe loves some Zimmer." He pokes Shane's dimple. It's a surefire way to make Shane laugh. "Maybe that one track from Interstellar?"

"Oh, god." Shane muffles more laughter against Ryan's shoulder. "You're just gonna make me cry."

"I know, I know, bro. Nothing makes you emotional like science." Ryan first-hand witnessed Shane crying his eyes out over Interstellar. To be fair, Ryan was a sobbing mess too. "We still got a while longer to go. C'mere."

Ryan guides Shane's upper body to lay down. Once Shane's head rests in his lap, Ryan runs his fingers through the man's hair. Leaning down, Ryan whispers, "You're not alone, Shane. Okay?"

"Okay." Shane buries his face against Ryan's thigh. He draws their clasped hands in closer. Shane proves to be restless, since he's still too shaken by the nightmare to fall back asleep.

After scrolling through his phone, Ryan finds a downloaded track of the opening theme from Carl Sagan's Cosmos series. They listen to the song on loop while sharing an earbud each. With a breathless laugh, tears gather at the corners of Shane's eyes. There's no words to describe what fills his heart. Somehow, Ryan knows exactly what soothes him.

Ryan plays with Shane's fingers while they discuss research for upcoming cases. Lighthearted bantering volleys back and forth. Shane looks up to catch a glimpse of Ryan laughing. While trying to stifle happy wheezes, Ryan looks down. In Ryan's eyes, Shane sees only warmth, adoration and love.

Maybe Shane's deserving of something kinder after all.

* * *

There's no avoiding traffic during the drive from LAX to Shane's home. But the ride surprisingly turns out entertaining and even insightful. Ryan, Shane and their Lyft driver engage in a conversation about conspiracy theories. The talk really gets going when they jump onto the topic of potential extraterrestrial life.

Every so often, Shane and Ryan exchange small, secret smiles. They're still bantering fiercely as ever. But now, they do it while holding hands. At some point, Shane's arm drapes over Ryan's shoulders. Ryan rests a hand on Shane's thigh. After their mutual confession, there's no end to soft intimacy.

Once arriving at Shane's front door, Ryan hugs the man from behind. Ryan leans up to kiss the back of Shane's neck.

"Gonna be this cute all the time, Bergara?" Shane laughs while fishing his keys out. 

"You think _I'm_ cute, Madej? 'cause I've been thinking _you're_ hella cute." Ryan rests his chin on Shane's shoulder. He grins as Shane lets out another laugh. "Oh, fuck. We're already _that_ couple, huh?"

Shane almost drops his keys. At the man's startled reaction, Ryan goes still. Then his hold on Shane begins to loosen. 

"Uhm- I mean--" Ryan's eyes shutter. Vulnerability sets off apologetic rambling. "Sorry, dude. Am I moving too fast?" His sheepish laugh leans more towards nervousness. Even some flickers of anxiety. "I- I guess, we haven't actually even gone on a date, or anything-"

"But we've been on more investigations with mutual pining than anyone else in history." Shane smiles over his shoulder. Once meeting Ryan's eyes, his gaze softens. "There's so much I wanna do and see with you, Ry. Take you out places, treat you well, be disgustingly romantic." Shane kisses Ryan's forehead. "But I was hoping today could count as a first date. We'll throw on some Netflix. Cuddle to keep any not-real-ghosts away." The corner of his lips turn up into a smirk. "You down for that?"

Joy goes off inside Ryan like fireworks. It almost hurts from how he's smiling so damned brightly. "Dude! I'm more than down for that." Ryan squeezes Shane in the embrace. "And yeah, please keep the totally-real-ghosts away."

With a smile, Shane kisses Ryan's cheek. "You're right. We're already _that_ couple."

Metal clicks as the front door unlocks. They shuffle inside with their suitcases. Once the door closes behind them, Shane pulls Ryan in for a kiss. Ryan melts right into it. Light-hearted laughter breaks out into the open. Shane circles his arms around Ryan, and lifts the younger man up. Burning scarlet rises onto Ryan's face.

"Fuck, Shane-- _Dude._ "

"Yeah?"

Ryan's too fucking endeared by how Shane's smiling at him. It only darkens Ryan's blush. Which in turn causes Shane's smile to grow. This has to be the most absurd yet heartwarming feedback loop in existence. The blush creeps down Ryan's neck as Shane carries him to the living room. 

"You gonna manhandle me all the time now?" Ryan tries to hide how he's flustered. But his attempts are in vain. "Because like--" He can't find the right words. 

"Like what?" Shane grins in a mixture of amusement and fondness. "You really like it? 'cause you betcha I'm gonna be doing this a damned lot."

They collapse onto the sofa together. A red cushion tumbles off. Ryan laughs brightly when Shane lands on top of him. _"Shane! Dude!"_ Some giggles and wheezes interrupt the laughter. Ryan playfully tries shoving Shane off.

"Mmph. You're like the most comfortable human pillow." On purpose, Shane pins Ryan down with his body. Shane doesn't need to put in much effort, since Ryan's falling apart from laughing so much. Shane nuzzles into the man's neck and shoulder. "Super warm too. And so giggly." He pokes Ryan's side for another fit of delight from the other man. "Dude, you're gonna kill me with all this cuteness."

More laughter stifles against Shane's shoulder. Ryan wraps his arms around Shane. One hand plays with soft brown hair. His other hand runs along Shane's back, then falls into the space between his shoulder blades. As Shane melts into the touch, Ryan's heart eases. Ryan doesn't take the trust given by Shane for granted. Especially after learning more about Shane's past relationship. Ryan embraces Shane tighter as protectiveness surges through him.

"Shane?"

"Hm?"

"I'm so happy to have met you," Ryan whispers into his ear. "And I'm excited to see where we go next."

Shane's heart throws itself at the walls of his ribcage. This is one of the many reasons Shane's fallen for Ryan over the years. Ryan _just says_ these things. Too pure to be cliche. Too sincere to be false. Shane props up on an elbow, and looks down at the man.

"Wherever it is, we'll be together." The words seal with a soft kiss. As the kiss breaks, a smirk reveals itself. "But no ghosts or demons gonna be with us. 'cause they ain't real, babe." Shane laughs as Ryan harshly pokes at his side in retaliation. "Wanna get changed into something more comfortable? Then we can throw a movie on."

"Mmhm." Ryan indulges them both with a light kiss. He takes Shane's hand to stand up. "Sounds good, dude."

They head over to Shane's bedroom. Like the rest of Shane's home, everything is kept clean and organized. But the room isn't cold. There's life brought to it with Shane's love for astronomy displayed on the wall-- star charts, Carl Sagan posters, NASA images, so on. There's even the Interstellar poster Ryan surprised Shane with one day. Scattered across the room are pinned photographs of Ryan, Shane and their friends. Ryan's love for physical, glossy 4"x6" pictures rubbed off on Shane. Ryan always prints doubles, so Shane can have his own set. At the cluster of photographs with the two of them, Ryan's heart swells.

Shane wrestles with getting his sweater off. Ryan's digging through his suitcase when a thought crosses his mind. He looks over at Shane's dark wood dresser.

"Hey, Shane?"

"What's up?"

"Feel free to say no," Ryan starts off slowly. "But uh-- would you be cool with me wearing one of your shirts?"

"Yeah, of course, bro." Shane's voice muffles under fabric. "Take whatever you want."

Ryan beams brightly. "Thanks, man."

Grinning, Ryan pulls open a drawer to browse through some shirts. His eyes light up at the red and black flannel that always looks so soft on Shane. The first time he saw Shane in this shirt, the buttons caught Ryan's attention the most. Some are subtly different sizes, others are black or dark silver. There's even one button right at the top that's iridescent.

While Ryan slips on the shirt, and buttons it up, Shane's comforting scent overwhelms him. The few top buttons remain undone. Given Shane's larger frame, the shirt's overlarge on Ryan. It exposes a good deal of his clavicle while almost hanging off one shoulder. 

With a smile, Ryan lifts up the sleeve paws, and turns to face Shane. "How's this?"

Silently, Shane stares with a blank expression. It drags on for a moment too long. Ryan blinks, then looks down at himself. 

"Uh-- or I can just find something els-" 

Before Ryan can start unbuttoning the shirt, Shane tilts his face up for a kiss. Shane's arm circles around Ryan's waist to pull the man in closer. His hand drifts up Ryan's back to feel the soft fabric.

Shane kisses Ryan's forehead. "This looks perfect on you."

Ryan breathes in the affection with bright eyes. "Thanks, dude." He leans up to press their lips together. "Might start 'borrowing' more of your clothes."

"Go ahead. I'm not gonna stop you." Shane's smirk is the only warning he gives before throwing Ryan over his shoulder.

 _"Shane!"_ Ryan laughs despite blushing fiercely.

"Told ya I was gonna manhandle you a lot now."

Shane carries Ryan back to the living room. While Ryan settles down on the sofa, Shane pulls up Netflix. 

"Alrighty, then--" Shane scrolls through countless options. "What do you wanna watch?" 

With an easy grin, Ryan shrugs a shoulder. "Anything's cool, dude."

" _Anything,_ you say?" Shane smirks slyly. Before Ryan can change his mind, Shane hunts down a horror movie, and hits play. He chuckles at the sight of Ryan's scowl.

"Oh, my god," Ryan groans with syllables dragging. "You chose a _horror_ movie --" A sleeve paw waves at the screen. "--and it's even _found footage!_ Just so you can make fun of me about ghosts. Or wait-- is this one about demons? Whatever." Ryan throws a sofa cushion at Shane. "Still a horror flick."

Shane blocks the cushion with ease. It's instinct after how many times Ryan's thrown soft inanimate objects at him. Sometimes cushions. Other times a fleece blanket, or thrown off hoodie. If they're at Ryan's place, then Shane's bombarded by the growing collection of Kakao Ryan plushes. Courtesy of Shane, since he thinks it's fucking hilarious how the adorable lion mascot is named 'Ryan.' Their entire office has jumped on the bandwagon by donating to the collection. Without a mane, the golden lion looks like a bear. It's the only (not-)bear that Ryan's chill with.

"Horror?" Shane feigns innocent confusion. The man plays it up with wide eyes, a gaping expression, and a hand on his chest. Shane could pull off an one-man Shakespearean play. "Jeez, Ryan-- I thought this was _comedy!_ 'cause I'm gonna be laughing the entire time."

"You're a dick." But there's no bite whatsoever. Ryan's grinning too much behind his sleeve. "Oh, fuck. How am I going to insult you on the show now? I'm gonna sound freaking smitten all the time."

"I'll be the same, man. Giving you heart eyes while I point out how absurd your theories are. God forbid you mention Atlantis again." Shane shakes his head. "Might actually let you get away with trying to validate it."

Ryan throws a playful punch against Shane's arm. Shane catches Ryan's wrist, and pulls him in closer while laughing. In one fluid motion, Shane has Ryan's back against his chest.

"Jesus." A hand covers Ryan's burning face, but does little to stifle his laughing wheeze. "When did you get so smooth?"

"So says the guy who's cute as fuck in my flannel." Shane tugs at the end of a black and red sleeve. "Already racking up those boyfriend points." Shane leans in for a light kiss.

Ryan smiles into the light peck. "What if I wore one of your shirts for a video?"

"Then I'll give into the temptation of playing with your hair while we're on camera." To make his point, Shane's fingers thread through Ryan's dark locks. "Hard to resist when your hair always looks so damned good."

Ryan leans into Shane's touch with a soft purr. He's not discreet about preening at the praise. "Oh, yeah?" The corner of Ryan's lips pull up into a playful smirk. "Maybe I'll even hold your hand when we're going through some fucking terrifying, haunted place."

"You can hold my hand all you want. But no place is haunted," Shane replies with a wry grin. "Would you be less scared if I kissed you?"

"Actually yeah, I would be. So, maybe I'll kiss you first," Ryan quips back. "The Internet would spontaneously combust. We'd set everything on fire, dude."

Shane makes exploding sound effects followed by burning flames. _"Some men-"_ Shane recites in a ridiculously terrible English accent, _"-just want to watch the world burn."_

Ryan collapses against Shane from laughing too hard. Shane's chest feels like it's going to implode. Happiness is a good look on Ryan. This joy is undeniably infectious.

With his arm around Ryan, Shane pulls him in closer. Shane's lips brush across his temple. "Kiss me any time, love."

Any banter in Ryan's mind goes out the window at that pet name. Ryan means to say something coherent, but all he can do is surge in for a deep kiss. Shane returns the kiss with matched hunger. Their mouths trap soft moans. At the slight parting of Ryan's lips, Shane deepens the kiss, and tightens his hand in the man's hair. Ryan lets Shane explore his mouth freely. Only once they're in need of air does the kiss break. As Ryan's lips brush over Shane's neck, a shiver runs through the older man.

"Shane, do you want me to stop?" Ryan caresses his arm. "We can take it slow."

"Keep going." Shane focuses his gaze on Ryan. "I want this. You. Us." With a slower kiss, they savor each other. Shane's hand runs down the side of Ryan's body. "Lemme know any time if you wanna slow down or stop."

"Thanks, dude." Ryan's lips drift down the man's jaw until reaching his neck. Something stirs inside Ryan at the sounds Shane makes. "You like that?"

"Fuck--" The swear escapes in a rasping groan. Shane bares his throat some more. "Yeah, I do. Really sensitive there."

Ryan smiles coyly. "Is that so?" He nuzzles against Shane's neck before his tongue flickers out. 

There's an immediate reaction as Shane shudders again, even with a gasp. Ryan mouths at the side of Shane's throat, lightly sucking on the hummingbird pulse. Vibrations of Shane's moan play across Ryan's lips and tongue. Eager to hear what other sounds Shane can make, Ryan keeps lavishing affection. Shane bites back a strangled curse. While wrapping his arms around Shane's shoulders, Ryan eases onto his lap, and straddles him.

_"Goddamn--"_

_"Holy fuck--"_

Pleasure fires through them like electricity at contact from each other's growing arousal. With Shane's hands on his waist, Ryan begins grinding against him. Ryan's hips move in slow, sensual waves. It drives Shane mad until he's hissing out swears. The friction between them is searing. It's not long until their hard cocks ache and strain against fabric. Desire dials higher with each movement.

Shane toys with the end of Ryan's flannel. Sensing hesitation, Ryan guides his hands under the fabric. A shaky exhale escapes. Ryan leans into the touch of those calloused fingers. 

"Feel so good," Ryan purrs with soft moans in between. His hips fall into rhythm with Shane's movements. "Keep touching me, babe."

"Jesus-" Shane traces over Ryan's spine. His fingers feel the elegant rise and fall of vertebrae. Shane maps out the planes of toned muscle, committing every curve and edge of Ryan to memory. "You're fucking perfect."

Ryan lets out a flustered laugh. He kisses Shane lightly, then playfully nips at his ear. "That's what you are to me."

"Jesus Christ, your Lord and Savior?" Shane snickers as Ryan playfully bats at his upper arm. 

"What I mean is--" Ryan's fingers lace behind Shane's neck. "--you're perfect to me, Shane. Don't ever forget that."

Ryan grinds down harder, rougher to emphasize his point. Shane moaning right into his ear nearly drives Ryan up the wall. Ryan turns around for his back to face the other man. After drawing out his phone, Ryan turns on a playlist, and sets the device on the living room table. Ryan melts into the opening notes of [the first track](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AeGfss2vsZg). His hands rest on Shane's spread thighs while grinding against his arousal. Ryan unbuttons the flannel, taking his time with slowly revealing skin.

Eyes widening, Shane witnesses a side of Ryan he's never known. There's no end to falling for this man. "Damn, Ry," Shane groans as he takes over undoing the buttons. His lips press against warm skin. "Who the Hell gave you the right to be so sexy?"

Ryan wheezes out a soft laugh. "Just wanna make you feel good, dude. I--" 

He shouts when the horror movie erupts with a jump scare. Startled, Ryan's entire body jolts. Shane chokes on a moan as Ryan presses back against his hard cock. Distorted screams of a macabre creature take over the screen for half a second, then recede into a mundane hallway.

"Fuck." Ryan tries to catch his breath. "Of course, the first time I try giving you a lap dance, it's when there's a scary movie playing."

Laughing good-naturedly, Shane nuzzles Ryan to calm him down. "Still the best lap dance, babe. How's this?" Shane's hand covers Ryan's eyes. "Can't see the scary parts. And I'd never let anything happen to you."

Ryan's breath hitches. Before he can think of anything to say, something in him changes like shifting tectonic plates. He's always been wary of the dark during investigations. But the gesture of Shane's hand burns a slow wave of trust over Ryan.

And with that trust, there's also a flood of exhilaration. He starts moving in Shane's lap again. Ryan's head falls back with a wanton moan. This time Ryan gives the motions his all. Shane must've turned off the film when there's only the sound of rainfall outside, electric music, and their own breathing. Yet Shane keeps his hand over Ryan's eyes. The sounds of Shane's heavier breathing and strained moans turn Ryan on even more. 

Layers of inhibitions fall away one by one. With Shane, Ryan's not afraid of the dark. He embraces it. Just like how he embraces these carnal cravings. "Oh, god- _fuck yes--_ " Ryan finds just the right angle and position to grind against Shane. The feeling of that hardness against his body is addicting. "Feels so fucking good. Wanna give you a lap dance everyday."

Another swear catches in Shane's throat. "I'd love that, babe." His free hand roams over Ryan's body. Slowly, his hand drifts up Ryan's inner thigh, then brushes over his arousal. Shane chuckles as Ryan's hips buck. He revels in the keening sounds from his partner. "You gonna wear more of my shirts while you do it?"

"Hell yeah," Ryan pants while grinding. It's when Shane roughly gropes his ass that Ryan slips out, "Wanna wear your white button down with black lingerie--" Ryan tenses with a harsh inhale. _"Ohgodfuckwait--"_

Shane hushes gently with his hand over Ryan's eyes. "You're going to dress up pretty for me, love?" Shane's voice hits lower octaves until it's a deeper baritone.

A shiver fires through Ryan's veins. "O-only if--" He bites his lower lip while battling insecurity and fear. "If you're into that-"

"Darling, next time you dance in my lap, I want to see some lovely black lace." Shane kisses the back of Ryan's neck, leaning in until he feels that wild pulse. "How about some garters?" With his mouth, Shane draws a horizontal line across Ryan's throat. "You never cease to amaze me."

 _"Shane--"_ Ryan begins moving again with Shane guiding his hips. "Thank you, I-" Under Shane's palm, Ryan's closed eyes burn with tears. "No one's ever...liked that part of me."

"Fuck 'em." The roughness to Shane's growl serrates at the edges. "I'm gonna buy you so many pretty things, doll. _You're mine now._ "

Ryan's breath almost catches on a sob. It's not only the possessiveness, but the acceptance that makes Ryan tremble. _"Yours."_ Ryan moans while unable to stop moving. "I'm all yours."

"Fuck- _darling--_ " The words escape through gritted teeth. Shane's mesmerized by Ryan's sensual movements. "You're incredible."

"Like I was saying-" Ryan swivels his hips. He doesn't hold back any sounds. "I wanna make you feel good, Shane. Make you feel all the things you've deserved."

Although Ryan can't see, he still gets a sense of Shane on the brink of crying. He feels it from the shudder in Shane's chest. Ryan turns his head to nuzzle his partner in comfort. 

"I love you," Ryan whispers. His voice strains from the rising wave of emotions. "You don't have to say it back. I know it might be too early, but fuck-- I love you, Shane, I love you so fucking much-"

The words are taken by Shane in a kiss. "I love you, too," Shane says against Ryan's jaw. His hand rests over Ryan's wildly beating heart. "And it's not too early. Time's just right."

After undoing the final button, Shane's hand trails down Ryan's bare back. Ryan reacts to the touch with a purr. His back arches under Shane's fingers. Shane admires the look of his flannel sliding down, and pooling at Ryan's hips. His hand keeps drifting lower until squeezing Ryan's ass. More friction burns between denim as Ryan moves in rhythm with the music. Shane reaches around to Ryan's front. When his fingers brush over a nipple, Ryan fails to hold back a whimper. 

"You like that, sweetheart?" Shane teases his partner's chest.

"Y-yeah. I- I play with them a lot," Ryan admits with a shy laugh. "When I-- touch myself thinking of you."

This time it's Shane who bucks his hips. They both groan loudly at the contact. Shane's teeth grazes at the outer curve of Ryan's ear. In a low whisper, he demands:

"Show me."

At the touch of his own hands, Ryan's body breaks rhythm. He's at the mercy of pleasure-- and of Shane. What Ryan feels when getting off alone is nothing compared to being watched by Shane. Fought back moans escape as needy out cries. His body writhes from crackling sparks of lust.

 _"Fuck-"_ Shane groans in Ryan's ear. He lightly nips at the lobe. His pupils are beyond dilated while watching this gorgeous man. "That's right, love. Keep making yourself feel good."

Shane's hand glides over a thigh, then touches Ryan through his jeans. Unlike the light brushing from before, Shane palms the covered arousal. Ryan's mouth falls open with a harsh moan. Light spills into his sight as Shane's hand slides down his face. Ryan just happens to catch two fingers in his mouth to suck on. 

"Holy shit," Shane mutters under his breath. As if his pupils weren't already blown out enough, now there's only a thin ring of color.

Ryan hungrily lavishes worship onto Shane's hand. Another wave of arousal slams into Shane as Ryan's eyes fall to half mast, lashes sometimes fluttering. The sight of Ryan unraveling into a debauched mess sears into Shane's minds. Slowly, Shane slides his fingers in and out. His other hand touches Ryan through denim. Ryan desperately grinds against Shane's palm while moaning around the fingers. It's impossible for Ryan to stay still. When one of Ryan's hands drift down, Shane guides Ryan to rub between his thighs. 

"You do this a lot too, sweetheart?" Shane nips under Ryan's sharp jawline. His gaze doesn't stop watching the younger man. "Touch yourself through your clothes?"

Ryan nods with another stifled moan. By now, Shane rocks his hips against Ryan's ass. Ryan doesn't hesitate to grind back. 

"Good boy," Shane murmurs with a kiss to Ryan's cheek. "Keep falling apart for me."

The praise reaches far past just skin. Ryan's chest aches with the craving to give. Something beyond just physical sensations. It's the hunger to give Shane love, to quiet the hurricanes in his mind.

With a shuddering gasp, Ryan draws off Shane's fingers, then licks affectionately at them. "Shane?" Ryan looks over at the man with hopeful eyes.

"Mmhm?"

"Can I worship your cock? Please?"

By a miracle, Shane doesn't come in his jeans. The genuine innocence catches him off guard the most. Shane's still in the process of keeping his self-control in check as Ryan gets off his lap, and kneels on the floor. Ryan traps one of Shane's legs with his thighs, so he can grind against it. Ryan cries out with relief. Hips move in desperation. Ryan leans in to nuzzle against Shane's thigh. His shoulders rise and fall erratically from heavy breathing.

But desire wavers on the precarious edge of careening into anxiety. Ryan looks up through a mess of dark bangs. "I-" His hips stutter. Ryan worries his lower lip. "Sorry. Am I-...too much? I--"

Calming warmth washes over him as Shane's hand runs through his hair. It lulls Ryan with a sense of safety. Even if Ryan hasn't voiced it out loud, Shane can tell that Ryan's had some harrowing experiences. This is more than just hesitation. This is insecurity after someone hurt Ryan. Perhaps even shamed him.

"You're perfect." Shane feels the faint burn of unshed tears when Ryan looks up at him in adoration. "I keep falling more for you. I want every part of you. Even the parts I haven't seen yet." He caresses the side of Ryan's face. "You're safe here, Ryan. I want to give you what you've always deserved too."

Ryan's lashes are wet with surfacing tears. When Shane kisses his forehead, a few tears spill over. Fear gives way to joy as Shane catches tears with his lips.

"Thanks, Shane." Ryan rests his cheek on the man's thigh. "For everything."

"Anything for you." Shane dries the rest of Ryan's damp face with his hand. "Keep moving your hips, babe. _Fuck--_ " His voice roughens while he sits back, and watches Ryan obey beautifully. "Turns me on so damned much when you're like this. So cute as my needy bitch in heat."

For a second, Shane thinks he's going too far with the dirty talk. But Ryan moans loudly as he hugs Shane's leg. His entire body shudders violently. Shane hushes Ryan through the near orgasm while petting his hair. Ryan holds off on coming before he resumes grinding fast and hard again. There's absolutely no self-control as Ryan lets go. Each stroke of Shane's hand through his hair helps ease away nervousness. Shane ensnares Ryan's lips with his own. The kiss feels like devouring when driven by such insatiable hunger.

As their lips break, Ryan pleads, "Shane, I really wanna worship your cock. Wanna make you feel good." He grinds against the man's leg faster. "Please, please, _please-_ " With a keening sound, Ryan nuzzles aggressively against the covered hardness. 

Shane breathes in deep. Even without any prompting, Ryan begs so pretty. "Don't worry, babe. You'll get everything." Shane hushes Ryan gently in reassurance. While petting Ryan's hair, Shane watches in awe how the man melts into the touch. "You really are like a cat." When Ryan mewls, Shane's fingers tighten in his dark hair. "Again," Shane commands with more growl than tone to his voice.

Ryan's heart skips a beat or two. Tentatively at first, he mewls softly. Then he mewls a little louder. He watches in awe and delight as Shane shivers from the sounds. Ryan mewls some more while nuzzling against Shane's thigh. With each sound, his mannerisms grow more feline-like. There's a sinewy grace to his body, but also primal desperation to fuck. For the first time, Ryan feels safe enough with someone to let go like this.

"Such a good little kitten."

The praise and name has Ryan almost coming. He whimpers while staving off the orgasm. More of Ryan's mind melts as Shane pets him. Soon, he's purring. Just the simple act of Shane scratching behind an ear hurls a good portion of Ryan's brain out the window. Ryan turns his head to affectionally nuzzle and lick at Shane's hand. 

"What an adorable kitten you are. Always making me so proud." Shane chuckles as Ryan playful nips at his fingers. "A good kitten like you deserves a reward."

With eager eyes, Ryan watches Shane draw out his cock. Ryan's gaze widens. God knows how long Ryan has fantasized about Shane. But to see the man's hard, erect cock in-person surpasses all imagination. He hasn't even touched it yet. But the mere sight of that cock threatens to wipe Ryan's lucid mind clean.

"Thank you," Ryan says breathlessly. "Thank you so much, _oh, fuck--_ " Leaning in, Ryan lightly kisses the head, then indulges in tracing veins. He means to go slow, take it easy, not freak Shane out with how cock hungry he is. 

But in a matter of seconds, Ryan's moaning while lapping ravenously at the hard shaft. The white static in Ryan's mind shuts the fuck up once he's worshipping Shane's cock. Ryan ruts desperately while dragging his tongue down to the base. With more stifled sounds, Ryan lavishes attention onto the heavy balls. A shudder runs through his frame. Ryan's just as weak for worshipping this part of Shane. He buries his face between Shane's thighs, and laps away in long strokes. 

_"Jesus fucking Chri-"_ The words blend together in a razor-sharp hiss. Shane's fingers tighten in Ryan's hair. There's no avoiding being overwhelmed when Shane sees Ryan deeply lost in bliss. "That's it, darling. Enjoy yourself. Fuck-- You're amazing, and making me feel so damned good-" He cuts off with another swear as Ryan sucks harder from the praise. 

As if caught in an erotic trance, Ryan's hands roam over his own body. Shane curses for a lifetime at the sight. With a heavy moan, Ryan drags his tongue up the shaft. Tears well in Ryan's eyes once taking Shane into his mouth. He's just so damned happy to make Shane feel good. Every tug on his hair, every strained gasp, every precious praise hits Ryan like a lightning strike.

Ryan tries to look up while bobbing his head on that perfect cock. It's a struggle to see anything when heavy lust tries to keep his eyes closed. But Ryan still strives to make eye contact. He silently pleads with his gaze. From how they've been profoundly in sync for years, Shane catches on quickly.

"Do you want me to fuck your pretty mouth?" Shane caresses the side of Ryan's face. The stifled mewl and rutting hips are his answer. "Tap twice on my thigh if you need me to stop, alright?" Shane waits for Ryan to nod in understanding, then kisses his forehead. "Here, love." Holding Ryan's head still, Shane slides his cock in and out at a steady pace. 

With each time Shane's cock eases in, Ryan sinks deeper. Not only into carnal lust. But euphoria where he's safe and warm and happy. For Shane, it's a breathtaking to see only pure bliss on Ryan's face. When Ryan's willing and brave enough to let go like this, Shane follows up by taking the reins.

"It's like you were made for my cock. My very own kitten fucktoy." Shane smiles as Ryan whimpers at the praise. "I'm so proud of you, love."

When Shane picks up the pace just a little, Ryan moans obscenely. Shane's words of love and filth fulfill parts of Ryan he believed would stay empty. In surrender, Ryan closes his eyes, and lets tears fall. Ryan never thought he'd kneel for any man again. Not after what's been to done to him in the past. But Shane has earned Ryan's trust like no one else. When kneeling for Shane, Ryan doesn't feel like he's being buried alive. He feels worthy and loved.

Ryan lets out a keening sound as Shane pulls out. Biting on his lower lip, Ryan looks up to meet Shane's gaze. "Was I bad? Or-- too much?"

"Fuck no. You're perfect." Shane grasps Ryan by the neck to kiss him hungrily. He licks inside of Ryan's mouth to lap up the sweet mewling. "Abso-fuckin'-lutely perfect. Just didn't want to come yet." Gently, Shane wipes away Ryan's tears. "Can you tell me why you're worried you might be bad? Or too much?"

It's a sobering question. Except none of Ryan's usual defense mechanisms are working right now. Raw honesty floods out. 

"Past guys said I crave too much. And I didn't- I didn't fit their-- expectations," Ryan confesses with quiet ambiguity. He looks away. "And they said- uhm- well-- the things I'm into are-- weird. So, I-...yeah." Ryan's hips slow down. 

"Did I say you could stop?"

The subtle dominance causes Ryan's breath to hitch. He resumes grinding on Shane's leg with a soft inhale.

"Good boy."

Ryan holds back a sob. But it still escapes as Shane presses their lips together. The kiss is full of longing and promise. Shane steadies Ryan with a hand on the side of his neck.

"You never have to hold back or hide from me, Ry," Shane reassures with a smile. "All I want is for you to be yourself. And--" He chuckles warmly. "I'm going to be craving you a lot too. My libido skyrockets when I'm with a guy I deeply care about. And feel safe with." He brushes back Ryan's bangs. "You will never, _ever_ be judged by me. I promise."

"Thank you." It's a little hard to see Shane clearly when Ryan's vision blurs with tears. "I love you." Their lips meet in a soft kiss. It begins tenderly, then deepens into a slow burning fire. "Take me, Shane. Please."

"Love you, too." Shane hushes him kindly. "And I've got you, sweetheart."

Shane pulls Ryan off the ground, and into his lap. While catching their breaths, they go over safe words, limits, and any other safety measures. By the end of the talk, Ryan's stripped down, and writhing as Shane prepares him. Shane's fingers play inside Ryan to elicit pretty moans. With a low purr, Ryan pushes back on the fingers until he's fucking himself on them. Shane's other hand runs over Ryan's skin in caressing waves.

"How dare anyone make you feel like you're not enough." It's rare for Shane to express anger. But it's tempting after Ryan hinted at a history of being slut shamed, kink shamed, and god know what else. However rage isn't what Ryan needs right now. Shane leans down to kiss his partner's shoulder. "You're damned perfect, Ry. So lovely." Shane's other hand runs through Ryan's hair. "You know that you're all mine now, right? Just like how I belong to you."

Ryan shudders with a stuttering inhale. Shane's love is the only ocean Ryan wants to drown in. It takes him down under in the best way. "Want that so bad, Shane. I'm yours," he gasps before moaning as Shane's fingers curl. Ryan leans into any and all touches given. "And you're mine."

"Damn right." Shane seals those words with a kiss. He takes a moment to drink in the sight of Ryan. "You're beautiful."

Tears gather in Ryan's eyes. Even the fact that Shane doesn't ridicule Ryan for crying during sex resonates deeply. Shane keeps praising Ryan through prep. It's not long until Ryan's begging for the man's cock. Yet Shane takes his time with getting Ryan ready. Not necessarily to tease. But to avoid hurting the man. Once certain that his partner's ready, Shane helps Ryan sink down on his cock. 

_"Fucking Hell--"_ Shane hisses. His hands on Ryan's hips tighten. Shane lets him down inch by inch. "Ry, you're _so tight--_ "

"All just for you." Ryan can't stop shaking. Even now, he's reeling from how Shane wants him. Choking back a sound, Ryan clings onto the man. "I've wanted you for so long, oh, god, fuck-- _Shane-_ "

They moan together as Ryan finally takes all of Shane in. For a moment, Ryan and Shane just hold onto each other. They're both stunned into silence by the overwhelming intimacy. Never have they felt so connected to another human being. Slowly, Ryan starts moving. Shane draws circles on Ryan's hip bones. The pace quickens with staccato inhales.

Despite his initial thought of starting off slow and steady, Ryan gives into the craving of being wild. His hips move swiftly, so that he's bouncing on the hard shaft. The room fills with sounds of skin hitting skin. As they kiss heatedly, Ryan helps get Shane's shirt off. At the touch of Ryan's hands, Shane closes his eyes. Ryan feels tremors under his wandering hands.

"Are you okay, Shane?" 

Shane breathes in and out slowly, then opens his eyes. "It's the first time I'm still in my body." With the confession, Shane smiles through tears. "I'm not a ghost anymore."

Ryan's heart breaks and pieces back together all at once. He takes Shane's face in his hands, then kisses him deeply. Words are not enough in this moment. So, Ryan gives all of himself to the kiss, desperately hoping that Shane feels loved. Shane kisses back with a breathless sob at the back of his throat.

"I love you," Ryan whispers as the kiss breaks. "I'm going to love you so fucking hard that you never forget." He mouths hotly at Shane's shoulder. "Can I mark you?"

"Fuck yes," Shane answers in a gasp. He cradles the back of Ryan's head. "I don't care if they can be seen. We'll cover it with makeup. Or not. Fuck it." He buries his cock inside Ryan deeper. "Just want your marks all over me."

Shane groans when Ryan tightens around him. Then he's groaning some more as Ryan works love bites over his skin. It's viciously intense in a way that has Shane's back arching. A string of colorful words break out of the man. From the curve of Shane's shoulder to his throat, bright rouge blemishes are left behind.

"Will you mark me too?" Ryan traces the blurry edges of a mark with his tongue. "Please?"

"Fuck." Shane grinds hard. He relishes in the sight of Ryan moaning at the friction. "What a sweet kitten you are for asking so nicely." Shane's teeth graze at the side of Ryan's throat. One hand holds the other side of his neck to keep Ryan steady. "Don't be quiet, babe. I want to hear you."

Shane sucks harshly on Ryan's throat. Eyes rolling, Ryan utterly falls apart. His voice kicks up higher, even cracking at times. Ryan bares more of his neck while tugging on Shane's hair. His hips roll sinfully. Ryan lifts towards the cockhead, then swivels his hips while sinking back down.

"So good, _so fucking good,_ Shane-" Ryan moans with fingers raking down his back. "Love you, love your cock-"

"Jesus Christ- you feel perfect-- _goddamnit-_ " Fissures of pleasure lacerate through Shane. Not only is Ryan tight as Hell, but his hips move in ways Shane didn't even know possible. "The way you worship, ride, fuck, _everything_ is just-- I can't even- Ry, you're fucking amazing."

Ryan laughs breathlessly. "Thanks." He leans in for a deep kiss. "I had a lot of practice. On my own."

Shane creates another mark onto Ryan's shoulder. "Oh, yeah?"

"Mmhm." Ryan buries his face into Shane's neck. "Usually just fuck with toys. You're my first in a really long time." He grinds slowly against Shane. "And the first _ever_ I feel...good with. And-- and safe. And loved."

Shane tilts his face so their eyes meet. "Thanks for trusting me, Ryan." Shane presses their lips together. It ends roughly with a subtle growl. "I'm going to take such good care of you. Because _you're mine._ "

Ryan tightens around Shane at the flare of possessiveness, and undercurrent of love. With anyone else, Ryan would run after hearing such words. Empty promises only lead to being burned. But there's only truth in what Shane says. "I'll protect you too." Ryan's hips move to take Shane in deeper. "I'm all yours." An exhale rattles out of his chest. "Fuck-- Don't hold back, Shane. I need you-"

Without warning, Shane grabs Ryan's throat, and pins the man on back. Ryan's soul almost leaves his body. He fights hard as Hell not to come. The fight grows damned near impossible as Shane wildly pounds into him. Each brutal thrust drives that hard, thick cock in deep. Friction against tight, inner walls drowns them both in blinding white pleasure. A scream escapes Ryan when Shane leans in to tease a nipple with his mouth. Ryan arches with fingers raking down his partner's back. One thigh hikes up and locks over Shane's waist. 

"S-Shane-- _oh, fuck-!_ " Ryan shakes uncontrollably as Shane sucks harshly. Then Shane moves onto the other side of his chest. Ryan's voice hits higher octaves until splintering. He can barely breathe through the storm of ecstasy. "So fucking good--" As pleasure lances across his body, Ryan's sight takes on a fleeting kaleidoscope effect. All colors blur together. _"More, more, please-"_

In awe of how sensitive Ryan is, Shane watches the man fall apart. Even his tongue flickering across the man's chest is enough to have Ryan swearing in multiple languages. Shane draws off Ryan's chest as he thrusts his cock in deeper. It wracks Ryan's frame violently. Ryan fucking loves every second of it. When catching Shane's unfocused, wild gaze, Ryan sees what Shane needs. Ryan manages to change positions, and get Shane's hand on his throat again. While on all fours, Ryan eases back onto the man's cock.

"I want all of you, Shane." Although Ryan's breathing comes out ragged, there's steadfast certainty to his words. "Let go. I can take it."

"Ry--" Shane hesitates as he regains some clarity. No matter how deeply he falls into lust, Shane will always prioritize Ryan's safety. "It's going to be rough as Hell. That's what-" Shane cuts himself off. Closing his eyes tightly, Shane breathes out through gritted teeth.

"Talk to me, love. It's okay."

"I- I _want_ to let go. I just--" Shane's hand loosens, tightens, then loosens around Ryan's neck. "My...my ex said I was fucked up. For being...the way I was during sex."

 _"Fuck him for shaming you,"_ Ryan spits out fiercely. Tears burn his eyes. "Fuck him so hard for every fucked up thing he did and said to you, Shane. You never deserved any of that." Ryan doesn't have any filter to hold back anymore. Fury towards Shane's worst ghost turns into the dire need to drown Shane in unconditional love. It bristles at the edges with raging protectiveness. "When I say that I love you, I mean _all_ of you. Even if it's a kink one of us isn't into, it won't make me love you any less." Ryan's lips brush along Shane's jawline. "Can you tell me what it is?"

Circling an arm around Ryan, Shane pulls him in closer. After a few deep breaths, he answers, "Primal play."

They choke on moans when Ryan suddenly tightens around Shane.

 _"Fuck--"_ Arousal courses through Ryan so strongly that he can barely think. "You felt that right?" Ryan nuzzles Shane to help anchor him. "I want that, Shane. So fucking bad, _oh god--_ " Ryan shudders as the words surface in his hazy mind. "Claim me. Please. As your bitch in heat. Prey. Anything. Please, _please--_ "

When Shane clamps his teeth on Ryan's throat in a predatory bite, Ryan fucking shatters. Shane instinctively reacts by slamming in harder. With Ryan's throat still caught in his teeth, Shane growls. The deep, guttural sound vibrates through Ryan's body until stars explode in his sight.

 _"More--"_ Ryan gasps out. He trembles from overwhelming arousal. "Holy _fuck._ Need more of you."

Shane laps at the indents. There's no broken skin, but there will be rouge marks for a few days. "You...like it?"

Ryan reaches to grab Shane's hair, and turns his head for a rough kiss. Teeth clash from the collision of their mouths. "I love it." Ryan's gaze darkens. _"Wreck me."_

Shane's eyes widen at the flare of dominance. He obeys by snapping his hips forward. Shane thrusts fast and hard. Skin slaps sharply. Wanton moans escape while their bodies shake. Every thrust accelerates the chain reaction of brain cells shutting down. The lucidity Ryan regained earlier goes up in smoke. From the sounds of heavy breathing and growling in his ear, Ryan can tell Shane's losing himself too. While purring loudly, Ryan's body writhes in waves under Shane.

"Christ-" A coherent swear manages to claw out between Shane's growls and pants. "How-- the _fuck-_ are you _so perfect-_ for me?" he grunts while thrusting in deep. 

Ryan can't stop shaking. It's not only the carnal pleasure that he's overwhelmed by. But how they're both _safe._ Shame has no place here. Ryan grinds back sinfully on the man's cock before mewling right into his ear. It elicits a hard shudder from Shane.

"You're- perfect too--" Ryan chokes out with an obscene moan. He nuzzles against the side of Shane's face. "Good boy."

Shane hides his face against Ryan's back, and lets out a hard sob. It carries the weight of heartache like when Shane broke down in the hotel bathroom. Even without saying, Ryan knows those two words are something Shane has craved, but never heard. Ryan blinks through his own tears while feeling Shane cry against his back. His fingers curl in soft brown hair. Ryan presses his lips against Shane's temple.

"That's right, love. You're my good boy. I'm so lucky to have you." Ryan kisses away traces of Shane's tears. "You're safe with me. I love you, Shane. Making me feel so damned good. Fuck-" Ryan's throat burns hoarse from how he's been moaning and screaming. His heart might give out from how wildly it beats. "Come inside me."

Ryan's command scorches through Shane like a solar flare. The end of a sob dissolves into a feral sound. Shane slams in harder. With the most savage growls, Shane fucks Ryan to claim him. When Shane pulls back on dark hair, Ryan cries out loudly. Even though Shane's moving too fast to match any rhythm, Ryan still fucks back roughly. He shouts when Shane lightly hits his ass.

"Might have to fuck you everyday," Shane growls out. One hand drags light scratches up Ryan's thigh. "I'm already so addicted to you."

 _"Please-"_ Ryan begs with lungs almost collapsing. The constant push-and-pull of their power dynamic is something Ryan's never experienced before. And holy fuck-- it's intoxicating. "Fuck me anytime. Need- need to be yours-" Ryan manages to string some coherent words together. He bares his throat. "Mark me--" 

Ryan gasps sharply when Shane ruthlessly works a mark onto his throat. He feels the reverberation of Shane's growl down to his bones. It's like Shane's possessed, and he's corrupting Ryan with each brutal act of love. Or maybe this is more like resurrection. Because it feels too pure.

"Want me to mark you from the inside?" There's more growling than talking from Shane. He's merciless with his thrusts. Shane covers Ryan with his body out of fierce protectiveness. "I can feel you aching for it."

"Claim me-- come- _come inside me-_ please-" Ryan pleads between heavy breathing. His body shakes as Shane strokes him. "Shane, you have no idea how badly I've wanted you to fill me up, _please, please, I love you-_ "

Hungrily, Shane kisses Ryan. "Love you too, Ry." His other hand rests over Ryan's, his fingers falling into the spaces in-between. _"Love you, I fucking love you-"_

Shane buries his face into Ryan's neck, and stifles a scream as climax hits. Within the carnal roughness of Shane's voice, there's the sound of Ryan's name. Wave after wave floods Ryan with seemingly no end. Somewhere in midst of the feral sounds, and Shane spilling inside, Ryan falls over the edge. Shane's there to hold him through release. Earthquake tremors strike their bodies intensely. Ryan chokes on endless sobs as Shane's cock throbs and pulses inside him. Frantic, wild movements melt into slower, sensual motions. Together, they ride out the orgasm. They kiss to teach each other how to breathe again. Tears linger at the corners of their mouths, along with echoes of three words and two names.

Time passes.

Rain falls.

Shane melts from Ryan's fingers running through his hair. Sometimes drifting over his skin. Shane reciprocates with lips brushing over love bites scattered across Ryan. Soft whispered words and praises lull them down from the high. They safely return to reality, and bask in the afterglow. Slowly, Shane draws out. Ryan seizes the chance to wrap his arms around the man, and stand up while lifting him.

"Holy fuck--" Shane's eyes widen. "Ry-" 

"What?" Ryan quirks a brow with a cheeky grin. "You're not the only one that's gonna manhandle around here."

Shane laughs as Ryan carries him to the bedroom. After laying Shane down on the bed, Ryan promises, "I'll be right back, babe." Shane watches Ryan leave the room. A few seconds later, Ryan returns with a cloth, and the black and red flannel. The warm, damp cloth runs over Shane's body as Ryan cleans him.

"No one's ever done this for me before," Shane says quietly.

Ryan looks up to meet Shane's gaze. "Same," he admits, then leans in to kiss Shane's cheek. "But we can take care of each other now, yeah?"

Shane turns his head to press his lips against Ryan's. "For sure."

Ryan smiles into the kiss. He melts as Shane cleans him next. Afterward, Ryan helps Shane into the red and black flannel he brought. Ryan slides into one of Shane's overlarge Star Wars sweaters. As Shane pulls Ryan in closer, they let out a fit of laughter. Soon, Ryan's laying half atop him. With a soft hum, Ryan traces the flannel's overlapping red and black pattern.

"I really love this shirt on you," Ryan remarks while grinning. "Actually, I remember you wearing this the first time we met. Couldn't help, but think how damned good you looked in it. And the buttons are so cool, dude. Especially this one!" Ryan touches the top iridescent button. His fond smile falters when seeing a glimpse of tears in Shane's eyes. "Shane, what's wrong?"

Shane laughs breathlessly while shaking his head. "Nothing's wrong," he replies with a soft smile. "I'm just--" He draws in a deep breath. "I'm glad I kept this shirt. It almost got thrown away."

"What?" Ryan blinks while caressing the sleeve. Confusion flickers across his face. "Why?"

"My ex didn't like it, since I bought this shirt myself. He didn't like anything that wasn't chosen by him." Shane's voice remains objective and distant. There's no hostility or resentment. At most, there's only weariness. "Including clothes."

Ryan stares incredulously. It takes a few seconds for him to understand. "You... _you couldn't wear what you wanted?_ " Shock gives way to outrage when Shane shakes his head no. "I-- _What the Hell._ That's seriously fucked up."

Before Ryan can apologize for being so crude, Shane breaks out laughing. The laugh isn't rough with something cynical and sardonic. It's genuinely delighted. Even grateful. The man even wipes at damp eyes with the heel of his hand. 

"Just a whole lot of firsts with you, huh, Bergara?" Shane smiles crookedly. "You're the first person to say something like that. Or even believe in what I'm saying." His gaze drifts elsewhere. It takes on a far-off look. "Anyone else I tried telling in the past said I was just crazy. Even my family didn't understand why we broke up."

Ryan's heart seizes. No wonder Shane kept this to himself for so long. Not even his loved ones would take his word. "Shane, you're not crazy." He leans in to press a kiss to Shane's forehead. "And of course, I believe in you."

"Thanks, Ry. Honestly, you believing in me means the fucking world." Shane's fingers run down the side of the man's face. He glances down at the buttons. "When he tried destroying the shirt, the original buttons fell off. But I found new ones to sew on."

Ryan blinks back tears. If Ryan feels apprehension from just hearing about what happened, then he can't imagine what it's like for Shane to live through that experience. "I hope you're proud of yourself, Shane. That's how I feel." Ryan lightly kisses the top button. "And I sure as fuck can't sew like you."

Shane laughs, which only has Ryan joining in. He draws Ryan in for a kiss. "Thanks, man." But as Shane exhales, this newfound joy wavers. "I keep bringing my past up, and I shouldn't..." His voice trails off with a quiet sigh of frustration. "Fuck."

"Don't bury it." Ryan holds onto Shane's hand tightly. "You've lived with this alone for long enough. And-" He laces their fingers together. Ryan lets out a shaky breath. "Over time, I'll share things too. If you wanna listen."

Shane turns his head to meet Ryan's gaze. "I'll always listen, Ry." He pushes back Ryan's dark bangs. "I love you."

"Love you, too." Ryan smiles against Shane's sleeve. He stretches out over Shane like a content, lazy feline. "Were you for real about me wearing your shirt for an Unsolved video? And everything else we talked about?"

"Damn right, I am." Shane grins. He catches the hint of playful mischief in Ryan's eyes. "You thinking what I'm thinking?"

Ryan leans in closer. "Low-key mutual pining dials up to _very_ obvious flirting?" he suggests. Ryan attempts to waggle his eyebrows. He fails, but at least, it earns a laugh from Shane. "Maybe for an episode?"

"Just an episode?" Shane smirks. If his hands weren't busy with cuddling Ryan, Shane would bring his fingers together in a scheming villain hand pose. "Why not a whole season?"

Ryan's laughter dissolves into soft wheezes. "And we reveal at the end that we're together?" His eyes shine brightly with hope.

Shane draws Ryan in closer, and tightens the embrace. With a warm smile, he answers, "Hell yeah."

They meet each other halfway for a kiss. Then begin conspiring.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! quq <3<3<3 I'm so grateful for all the support and encouragement, especially since I'm very new to writing for Ryan x Shane. I adore writing for this ship. I'm working on more Ryan x Shane stories, so I'll be sharing more in the future!
> 
> Fic and series title from ['In the Name of Love' - Martin Garrix & Bebe Rexha (original ver.)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AeGfss2vsZg) \+ [(acoustic ver.)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7prcbPbOtA) I've been waiting for the right time to write pieces inspired by this song. I feel that it fits perfectly for Ryan and Shane in this series ;u; <3 Parentheses title from ['This Isn't Everything You Are' - Snow Patrol.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEN9hmpWFDE)
> 
> Comments, kudos, and so on are always loved! I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy. Take care of yourselves, and have an awesome day <3 uwu <3
> 
> [ Disclaimer: This is 100% a work of fiction. There is no association with the real Ryan Bergara and Shane Madej. ]


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